Conversations in a horse, by Michael Gouda

Laocoon

Jack - sexy guy (Thrasymedes)
Tom - his mate (Thoas)
Odysseus - Sergeant
Tolly - complainer (Neoptolemus)
Dominic - short-tempered (Idomeneus)
Ernest/Ernie - coward/ tends to panic (Menestheus)
Trist - optimist (Teucer)
Rip - reasonable guy (Eurypylus)
Fatty - cannibal (Antiphates)
Captain Mainwaring (Menelaus)
Mack - failed poet (Antimachus)
Phil - will kill Paris (Philoctetes)
Piers - craftsman/made the horse (Epeius)

(A group of soldiers in a dark place.)

Jack: Fuckin' dark, ain't it?

Tom: What you expect? Fuckin' windows?

Jack: No, but . . .

Odysseus: Keep it down, lads.

Jack: (quietly) It ain't fuckin' up.

Tom: I should fuckin' hope not.

Jack: Oh I don't know. I wouldn't mind a bit of . . .

Tom: You're fuckin' sex mad.

Jack: He could have left a few fuckin' cracks so that we can at least see who we're playing with.

Tolly: It fuckin' stinks in here.

Dominic: Well, that's what you get with thirty guys stuck together in a confined place.

Tolly: Confined place - listen to him! You big ponce!

Dominic: Who you calling a fuckin' ponce? You looking for a kick in the goolies?

Odysseus: Now, lads.

Ernest: It's made of wood for fuck's sake, Sarge. They could set the whole thing alight and we'd all be burnt to crisps.

Trist: That's right. Look on the fuckin' bright side.

Rip: I trust Piers. He's a fuckin' good craftsman.

Ernest: No arguing about that. It's just that something made of wood tends to burn if you set light to it however well built it is.

Fatty: And don't forget there's no fuckin' way out.

Ernest: What do you mean? No way out?

Tom: Piers is the only one who knows how to open the trap door catch.

Jack: I quite like the smell. It's sexy. All those men, sweating.

Tom: We'll certainly be fuckin' sweating if they set it alight.

Rip: They won't set us alight. You know they always accept a gift from a defeated opponent. It's the custom.

Tolly: We ain't fuckin' defeated.

Rip: Course we aren't. It's just a cunning plan. They think we're defeated. We told 'em we're fuckin' defeated.

Dominic: You think they'll take us into the city? They must be fuckin' stupid.

Rip: It's all to do with religion.

Tolly: Religion must be fuckin' stupid then.

Odysseus: Now then, lads. It's Chas* who says it will work. And he knows everything about the future.

Tolly: He didn't know I'd get the fuckin' pox last time I went with that fuckin' tart in Alexandria.

Fatty: Sergeant, there's someone outside.

(Shout from without: “Equo ne credite. Quidquid id est, timeo Danaos et dona ferentes.”)

Ernest: Who's that?

Tolly: How the fuck do I know?

Dominic: What's he saying?

Tolly: I don't fuckin' know. I can't speak Latin. I'm a Greek.

Rip: I think it means roughly: “Don't trust the horse! Whatever it is, I fear the foreigners even bringing gifts.”

Ernest (panicking): Fuckin' hell. We've been betrayed. Let's get out. Where's Piers? Get him to open the trap door.

Odysseus: It's their priest. It's all right, lads. No one ever believes him.

Tolly (doubtfully): They might this time.

Fatty: Can't anyone fuckin' see what's happening?

Rip: There's a knot hole here. This one guy is talking to a bunch of other guys. They're arguing.

Trist: Let's see.

Fatty: Move over. Let's have a fuckin' butchers.

Rip: Hey, guys, quit pushing.

Captain Mainwaring: Sergeant, keep those men quiet.

Odysseus: You heard what the Captain says. Keep the noise down – which means: “Shut the fuck up!”

Tolly (grumbling to himself): Too many chiefs, not enough Indians.

Trist: Tell us what's happening, Rip.

Rip: That priest is still waving his arms and shouting, but the Sergeant's right, no one's paying attention.

Mack: It's a bit like an epic poem.

Tolly: None of your fuckin' poetry. It's unlucky. You always include some sort of curse. And the gods interfere.

Fatty: It's his poetry that's the fuckin' curse. It's crap.

Mack (offended): Thank you.

(There is a sudden convulsion and general shouts.)

Tom: Christ, what's that?

Mack: It's a fuckin' earthquake. Punishment by the gods.

Ernest: Great God, help us.

Tom: Hold me.

Jack: I've got you.

Tom: Not there.

Jack: I like holding you there.

Rip: It's not an earthquake. They're pulling us along by the ropes.

Phil: Which way? Towards the cliffs?

Rip: I think they're taking us into the city. It's hard to see.

Jack: (whispering) It's getting hard to hold.

Ernest: Thank the gods.

Jack: There you are. Public approval.

Rip: Yes. They're taking us into the city. I love it when a plan comes together.

Jack: I love it when we come together.

Tom: Not yet.

Rip: We're through the gate. We're inside!

Jack: You're not. But you could be. I want you to put it in me.

Tom: What here? With all these people around?

Jack: It's too dark for anyone to see what we're doing. Anyway they're all looking out the other way. Or trying to.

Tom: Shall I put it in now?

Jack: Yes but not like that. Let me wet it first.

Rip: Sergeant, we're being taken into the city.

Tom: Sorry. More like this?

Jack: Nearly. A bit higher.

Tom: Well, it will only be by luck if I get it right first time . . .

Jack: Do it slowly. Christ! Slowly. . .

Ernest: I hope they take it slowly. We don't want to tip over.

Tom: Like this? Ah yes, it slides in easily . . .

Jack: (softly) Mmmmmmmmmmmm.

(Some heavy breathing for a while in the background.)

Mack: We've stopped.

Jack: You've stopped.

Tom: Finished.

Jack: Me too.

Trist: What do we do now, Sergeant?

Tom: What do we do now?

Odysseus: We wait until it's dark.

Jack: I'll be ready for it again by then.

Captain Mainwaring: Tell the men to lie down and be quiet.

Odysseus: Right, lads, you heard what the Captain said. Find somewhere to stretch out and wait.

(Grumbling while soldiers try to find some space.)

Tolly: Jesus, get your fuckin' boots out of my face.

Phil: Watch it! That's my fuckin' balls.

Trist: Shove up a bit.

Mack: I'm trying to but there's someone in the way.

Ernest: Mind my fuckin' arse.

Tom: This floor is fuckin' hard.

Jack: Rest your head on my stomach.

(Silence for a while, apart from grousing and farts.)

Tom (quietly): If the plan works and we win the war, what you going to do?

Jack: Go back home, I guess. I've had enough of fuckin' soldiering.

Tom: Where is your home?

Jack: Pilos.

Tom: That's in Sparta, isn't it? What's it like?

Jack: It's home.

Tom: But what's it look like?

(A short silence while Jack considers.)

Jack: It's the prettiest little town in the world, built up the side of a hill. It overlooks the bay and lots of fishing boats. The sea is blue and the houses are white with red roofs. My family lives in one of them, my father and mother and three sisters. The houses have courtyards full of flowers. The main square is surrounded by pastry shops and shaded by huge plane trees. We always buy some baklava when we go there. The hills are covered in vines. At harvest time you can smell the grapes and the wine. The smell is almost enough to make you drunk.

Tom: I'd like to see it.

Jack: I'll take you there.

Tom: When?

Jack: After it's all over. (He sighs.)

Tom: Ten years is a long time.

Jack: A lifetime for many of us.

* * * * * *

Rip: It's night time.

Tolly: How can you tell? It's always fuckin' night in this fuckin' hell hole.

Rip: I can see the stars through a crack. There's Orion the hunter, and the Heavenly twins.

Fatty (laughing at his own joke): Castrate and Bollocks.

Dominic: Don't tempt me.

Tom (yawning): I must have dropped off.

Jack: Shit. We could have had a bit of how's your father if we hadn't slept.

Odysseus: Brace up, lads. We'll be getting out soon.

Tolly: I could do with a piss.

Phil: Not over here you don't.

Odysseus: Rip, can you see anything going on outside?

Rip: No one out there, Sarge. I think everyone's celebrating and getting drunk. Listen . . .

(The soldiers are quiet as sounds of revelry by night filter through the wooden boards.)

Odysseus: Shall we prepare to exit, Captain?

Captain Mainwaring: Is everything all clear?

Rip: All clear, sir. (Then:) Wait a moment. There's some people coming towards us.

Tolly: Who are they?

Rip: Can't make 'em out. One's carrying a torch and there're two others. Wait a minute. It's that priest of theirs – and he's got two youngsters with him.

Odysseus: I hear he's got two sons.

Rip: And it's not a torch. It's a spear but the sharp end's been set alight.

Ernest: What the fuck . . .

Rip: He's gone round the back end.

(A thud is heard against the wood.)

Dominic: He's thrown it at us. That's fuckin' blasphemy, that is. A gift from a defeated enemy is a holy thing.

Tolly: A spear up the arse. That's really nasty. Poor old horse.

Rip: A burning spear.

Ernest: I can smell the smoke. Jesus, I can smell the smoke. Where's Piers? Open the fuckin' trap door.

Piers: I'm here. It'll take a bit of time though.

Ernest (shrieks): We're going to be burnt alive.

(Sounds of crackling flames and men shoving.)

Trist: Fuckin' hell.

Phil: Holy god, help us.

Piers: Let me through to the trap door.

Odysseus: Don't panic. All you guys that want a piss, now's the time. Aim at the flames.

Jack: I thought I'd find this exciting. All of us with our cocks out and pissing together.

Tom: Very communal.

(Hissing sounds as the flames are extinguished.)

Captain Mainwaring: What's the priest doing?

Rip: I don't believe it. They've got entangled in the ropes. It looks like a sea serpent has wound itself round their bodies and necks.

Phil: Poseidon's come to our aid.

Tolly: I'll never doubt the gods again.

Piers: The trapdoor's open.

Jack: Never thought fresh air could smell so fuckin' good.

Captain Mainwaring: Final orders. You two, get out first and open the city gates to let in the rest of the army.

Odysseus: You heard the Captain, Jack and Tom. Time for off. The rest of you prepare for battle. The city's ours for the taking.

Tom: Come on, Jack.

Jack: I'm with you. As always.

* Calchas, the Argive soothsayer who predicted the founding of Rome.

The End

The image of the statue represents Laocoön and his sons., Musei Vaticani, Rome. It is used subject to the following terms.

I, the copyright holder of this work, hereby release it into the public domain. This applies worldwide. In case this is not legally possible: I grant anyone the right to use this work for any purpose, without any conditions, unless such conditions are required by law.

({{MuseiVaticani |Agesander, Athenedoros and Polydorus |''Laocoön and his sons'', also known as the ''Laocoön Group''. Marble, copy after an Hellenistic original from ca. 200 BC. |H. 1.84 m (6 ft. ¼ in.) |Found in the Baths of Trajan, 1506 |Inv.1059, In)