OK.  I'm feeling a bit dyspeptic and a lot tired and stressed, so this is probably going to be a bit more...depressing? – pessimistic? – than some of the things I would write.  In general I'm not a pessimistic guy.  Well, I at least try to be optimistic in my pessimism. 

Anyway, I just got back from visiting my boyfriend in central Jersey.  He was home from England for the week for his brother's wedding (which was its own special kind of disaster) so we got to spend some time together.  We didn't do a whole lot, just went to the store a few times, went to a restaurant, hung out at the wedding.  But it drove home a point to me:  Things are better these days for people who have different sexualities than they used to be, but they're not great. 

A bit of background, perhaps, first.  Neither my boy nor I are flaming queens.  I don't want it to sound like I don't respect people who are, I'm just pointing out I'm not like that.  He, though, doesn't leave anything to the imagination.  He's found a way to be very blatantly gay without mincing about and calling people "girlfriend" left, right and center.  Something about his wardrobe (well-fitted and colorful) or his general manner.  For me, I pass fine (unless I've had a few drinks, but even then I can pass if need be).  We've been together a long time, so we're very comfortable with each other, but we don't hang all over each other.  Hell, we barely ever hold hands.

Which brings me to my issue.  He and I were leaving a restaurant the other night, and he reached for my hand, and the first thing I said was "Is this ok?"  It was a gut reaction, and seeing as the parking lot was completely empty, kind of ridiculous.  But, dear God! What shit must I have been fed to have that fear so deeply ingrained?  And even the rest of the weekend, whenever we'd walk through a grocery store together, or even at the wedding around some of his brother's less classy friends, there'd always be a tinge of fear in my gut that I would see these people in the parking lot at the wrong end of a baseball bat.  

I know things are better now, because once upon a time we never would have even considered being even remotely affectionate in public.  We wouldn't be out to our families and friends, and I certainly wouldn't be called Uncle Matt by all my boyfriend’s nieces and nephews.  I'm more of a member of the family than fuck-face's new wife.  (Sorry, residual issues that aren't really apropos to this rant.)  His mother even walked in on us in bed together (clothed, thank God, but that'll wake you up fast).  Gays and Lesbians are getting married, or at least civil-unioned, all over the world.  Homosexuality is no longer seen as a disease by credible medical science.  So I know that I shouldn't be complaining, that I should thank God for all of the advances that have been made and just understand that certain things haven't gone away yet.  And I certainly don't want to scare anyone who is in the closet that it's not safe to come out just because I have this horrible internalized homophobia.  

But it's not all sunshine and kittens.  Above and beyond the Big Issues of DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act), DADT (Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell), and ENDA (Employment Non-Discrimination Act), it is still kind of rough, regardless of who you are.  How many young whippersnapper and ankle-biter gays have ever been called "Fag"?  I have been, in Disney World, of all places.  I live in Washington, D.C., which is a large and progressive city.  I'm 26, so I was 15 when Will and Grace made its debut.  I've been out, and in a monogamous committed relationship for 7 years.  And I still have those moments where I think "Fuck, this could end badly."  I went to Uni in central Pennsylvania, where there was literally one gay bar in an hour radius.  If you discount Penn State, probably a two-hour radius.  And I'm a bit of a wimp, I'll admit.  I'm not too strong, and I don't know any self-defense, and I lack a certain degree of self-esteem that would have me stand up to these jackasses.  But even taking into account my lack of courage at certain times, I don't think I'm being crazy to think that it's just not safe.

And I’m just going to skip over the fact that many of the people who don’t beat us up see it as a favor they’ve done us.  Thanks so much for not beating me until I’m unrecognizable and then leaving me in a ditch.  You are a true paragon of acceptance. 

So when some (mostly younger) gays flat out say "If you're my age or younger, why don't you just come out?!  It’s so easy!" it kind of irritates me.  Have they really never been in a bad situation?  Some talk about how life-changing The Laramie Project was, but did they actually watch the play?  Yes, that was ten years ago, but I can point to at least one news story a week where someone else has gotten beaten to death just for being who we are.  And those are the ones that get reported.  And then they mention not having as much sympathy for those guys still in the closet?  How can one not have sympathy for anyone who suffers?  Who are they to decide that one person’s trials and tribulations are more valid than someone else's?

Mattie B lives near Washington, DC, working at a job he really doesn't care for in between acting gigs and going out for drinks. When he has enough time, and more importantly money, he enjoys traveling the world. While he has a great many opinions, he unfortunately lacks the talent needed to write actual stories, and as such has a great deal of respect for authors. Especially the future author that he is dating.